What If Pests Were Coffee Shop Customers?

What If Pests Were Coffee Shop Customers?

In the real world, pests that visit any kind of food establishment is not a good situation at all. They have the possibility of spreading diseases, bacteria, and excrement around the kitchen and eating area. This poses all kinds of health concerns and should be taken care of immediately. Since the reality of pests is so frustrating and frightening, it’s fun to imagine what it would be like if pest’s personalities shined through in a different way, such as if they were human-like and living normal lives. 

One of the best places to observe people’s natural personalities and temperaments is in the public setting of food and drink businesses. The people who work at these establishments work hard to set an atmosphere and provide the sustenance that the customers crave when they walk through the doors and see the menu. One such place, the typical coffee shop, is a great place to sit back and watch the wildly different personalities of humanity on display as they drink their carefully crafted (and often expensive) beverages in an aesthetically pleasing setting. But if pests were more like humans and could visit this modern gathering place in a normal way, what would they be like? Let’s take an imaginative journey and see how they would fit into the coffee-shop-stereotypes that many of us know so well. 

The Resting Shopper – Ant

One popular customer of coffee shops, especially the ones in a shopping center or mall, is the one that is taking a second to rest in between scoring all the deals at the stores. The ant comes to mind with this customer, since it is always on the move and working hard. The shopper is working hard as well, but more so at finding the best sales than at gathering food for the colony. The ant would be found at a table surrounded by all of their shopping bags that they seem to have no problem hauling around the plaza. They would also likely be joined by at least one friend, since ants are eusocial insects and live in a colony. Ants would make their plans for the next stops on their shopping excursion, making sure to strategize the best ways to maximize their savings. The ants would be on one of two drastically different sides of the coffee spectrum. They would either just have a simple espresso, or they would have the most sugary and elaborately-decorated latte available. Whatever gives ants the energy to continue hunting down the best discounts and spending their paychecks on pretty things, they will purchase from this coffee shop. 

The Freelancer – Bed Bug

If you go to any coffee shop in an urban setting, it feels like everyone is typing furiously on their laptops, pausing occasionally to take a sip of their latte. The bed bug would be one of these freelancers whose job solely takes place on their computers and on their own time. They would stroll into the shop around 10:00 am after sleeping in (get it?), and set up shop at their favorite table in the place: second from the end, the one that doesn’t get the blinding beams of sunlight during the five hours they will likely spend here. The bed bug is completely focused on its work and doesn’t interact much with others, unless they bring another typing friend along. They would be subsequently checking items off their to do list, and only they know how much those items relate to their job that they are currently working at online. No one knows exactly what the bed bug does on the laptop, since they just seem to be typing all day. Writing the next great novel? Researching better-paying jobs? Who knows! Bed bugs would always get a vanilla latte, hot or iced depending on the weather, and go through at least two of them during their time at their favorite local shop. 

The Regular – Bee

Since bees are always buzzing and seem to be friends with other pollinators, it makes sense that they would be the regular at their local coffee shop. This is the patron that walks in and is immediately greeted loudly by the staff and some of the other customers there. They would be stepping to the side of the counter so that they don’t take up the time and space of other customers who just want to order their drinks. The bees would spend at least fifteen minutes talking to the baristas as they make the drinks, catching them up on their latest endeavors and career changes. They would also make their rounds of the coffee shop and talk to anyone that they even somewhat recognize, just because the bees would care about how they are doing. They would order any kind of sweet flavored latte, especially lavender, but would ask for double the normal amount to make sure it’s extra sweet. And the bee would insist on paying the full amount with an added tip, but the cashiers would never let them get away with paying more than half of the cost since they literally buy something every day. 

The WiFi Hunter – Cockroach

Roaches are one of the most annoying pests since they seem to bring every cockroach in existence to the party and won’t leave unless they are professionally treated. The WiFi hunter of the coffee shop is not noticeable by most patrons, but they are well-known among the staff. The cockroach would be the customer that only goes there for the reliable WiFi, sometimes on their laptop but always on their phone. Cockroaches are scavengers, and they would be scavenging for the WiFi password every time they visit. The employees would make a sign with the name and password mainly because of this customer, who would notice the day it went up and comment about how nice that is. And if the WiFi happened to temporarily go out, the cockroach would be the first to notice and make sure to let the staff know, even though they are definitely well-aware. The roach would order the cheapest drink possible, usually a black coffee, every time. Not because they particularly love the taste, but because they know they need to be a paying customer in order to enjoy the luxury of WiFi that they can’t find anywhere else, for some reason. 

The Chatterbox – Cricket

This customer is the one who you see talking for hours to a friend or family member, where it can only be assumed that they haven’t seen each other for years based on the amount that they talk. The cricket would definitely be in this category based on the amount of chirping that they do. Crickets have a wide variety of songs based on the stage of mating that they’re in, and they would have a million stories to tell during their visit at the coffee shop. They would make sure to catch their friend up on every detail of their life since the last time they got together, especially their love life. This customer can be a wide range of ages, anywhere from a self-proclaimed soul in their twenties to a retired person who now has all the time in the world to enjoy their lives. It would either be a one-on-one conversation or a big group that swaps stories and shares snippets of their lives. Crickets would spend hours with their friends, talking about everything under the sun over of a couple of drinks. Their favorite would be a mocha since the combination of chocolate and coffee gives them the energy to chitchat about anything from politics to the latest televised awards show to how the weather seems to warm up sooner every year. 

The Dater – Mosquito

One of the best places for a date is a coffee shop. It’s less stressful and structured than a fancy dinner, there’s usually some kind of indie background music that makes everything feel like a movie, and the coffee gives you the energy you need to put your best foot forward and talk about the most interesting parts of your life. The mosquito would rely on this coffee shop for all of its first dates. Since real mosquitoes drink the blood from a variety of people and eat various types of pollen from flowers, these fictional mosquitoes would seem to have a different date every time they visit their favorite local shop. Mosquitoes would be sure to treat their date to anything they want, giving their personal recommendations of their favorite drinks. They would try to impress their date with a fancy order, which is really just any kind of speciality latte that the coffee shop offers. Even though mosquitoes would be sure to dress up slightly for the date, they would seem nervous every time and leave the baristas whispering about their thoughts on the date. And considering the amount of coffees that the mosquito would go through, they would leave a relatively large tip every time that the staff wouldn’t notice until they left, kind of like a mosquito bite. 

The Reader – Mosquito Hawk

The real mosquito hawk actually doesn’t eat mosquitoes, or really any other pest, so they don’t serve the purpose that we have placed on them over the years. They also like to be left alone and just hang out in the corner that they choose to stay in. Because of this, they would be the avid reader that is found in basically every coffee shop. This patron likes the corner table or booth because they can lean against the wall as they devour the book at the top of their To Be Read pile. The genre varies depending on their mood and interests, but their attachment to the pages of the engaging story remains the same. The mosquito hawk would have their headphones on, listening to music without lyrics to drown out the clinking and chattering of the shop without distracting their brain from the wonderful words on the page. The more talkative customers would know not to bother the mosquito hawk because of the fiercely concentrated look on their face as their eyes rapidly scan every page. The mosquito hawk would also stay for hours, and make it through most of the book during that time. They would get at least two orders of their favorite drink, a matcha latte, so that they always have something to sip on as they read the latest developments in their novel. 

The Family – Mouse

There is usually more than one family at a time in a coffee shop, but they are known for their troupe of children that are clamoring for a treat. Mice with babies have the important job of keeping their children warm and fed, which unfortunately means stealing our food and belongings in order to make a nest for their family. The family in a coffee shop doesn’t steal, but they do want to make sure that they feed their kids. The mice family would buy basically every snack on the counter, from the granola bars to the muffins to the cookies, in order to reward their kids for good behavior on this family outing. The children would have to share one drink among themselves, sometimes scoring two if it was a particularly good day. This drink would either be a hot chocolate or an Italian soda in some kind of fruity variety, depending on the weather. The mouse parents would lastly order a a double (or triple) shot latte, appreciating the kindness of the barista when they offer to throw in another shot of espresso for free. The mouse family would find a table outside so that the children have room to run around in between large sips of their drink and the parents can enjoy their bitter drink without being asked for sips of their beloved coffee that gives them the energy to spend their favorite quality time with their family. 

The Coffee Nerd – Pill Bug

The coffee nerd is THE resident expert on all things coffee. They know the specific flavor notes of every blend and can tell you exactly what makes them so different, even if they just taste like black coffee to the average person. Pill bugs would be coffee aficionados not because they love coffee in real life, but because they love to eat all kinds of crops. They can likely tell the difference between each one and know how much to eat to be sustained while they hide in their shells. They would ask the barista about the latest blend and want to know everything about it, including the flavor notes, hometown, strength, richness, and similar blends. Pill bugs would make sure to try this new blend, and if they don’t like it (which does happen sometimes), they will just buy their tried-and-true drip coffee that they know is good. They would buy a bag of the beans if they love it enough, just so they can make it at home with their own coffee station.They are ready and willing to impress anyone with their knowledge of the coffee brewing process, offering their personal recommendation of a brew that the person should try the next time they’re in the mood for a tasty caffeinated beverage. No one knows what the pill bug does for a living to have gained this absurd amount of knowledge about coffee, but they know who to go to when they need to know anything about the classic drink. 

The Student – Spider

Similar to the reader and freelancer, the student has their own setup at a table off to the side. Spiders in reality make their carefully-crafted web (if they can), and stay there until they catch their prey in the sticky strands. They would have the ideal setup for a student planning to spend a long time in the shop, doing any homework that they can. They have their laptop right in front of them, with their textbooks, planner, notebook, and pencil case in strategic locations on the table. Spiders would also always have earbuds in and listening to some kind of music that sometimes helps them study, but can distract them occasionally. They seem to be razor-focused on their homework, flipping pages and scribbling down notes that they hope will help on the next paper or test, but can also be found scrolling their phone when they feel like their brain can’t take any more information. They would seem like a ball of energy when they’re studying, their hands flying through the materials in order to absorb as much as possible. The spider’s drink of choice would be any kind of latte that is flavored with one syrup, typically vanilla or caramel, and limit themselves to one to save money even though they really want another one. There is no doubt that the spider is focused and wants to get its work done, but it also clearly likes to take breaks to work on their art in the margins of their notebook as well.

The Hurrier – Termite

This customer is the stereotypical business person that is always running behind, and wants their coffee now. The termite is a very hardworking insect at the expense of our homes and buildings, but they seem to always be on the move as they furiously work to fulfill their life’s purpose. They would transfer this behavior into their coffee shop persona, who wants and needs their coffee ASAP. They radiate stress and hurrying, and cause the people in their immediate vicinity to also be anxious even if they previously weren’t. Right after they order their drink and pay, they would impatiently wait near the register, texting someone that seems to be of importance in their life. If the drink wasn’t ready in under two minutes, they would ask the cashier how much longer it would be. Termites would be anxious to get to work since they know they have an endless to do list that is only fattened by their overzealous boss. And of course, their order would have some kind of special request within it. Half-pumps and an exact splash of soy milk is very important to the termite, who knows what it likes. But for some reason, they always come back and leave a big tip when they are served by a cashier who hasn’t inadvertently done something to make their already stressful morning even more overwhelming. 

The Foodie – Tick

Although the coffee shop is unsurprisingly mainly focused on the coffee, there are definitely patrons who are more focused on their small selection of local pastries and sandwiches than the freshly brewed beverages. The tick is a forgotten pest until it directly impacts your life by latching onto you or a loved one and drinking the blood. It likes to stay outdoors in the tall grass, but will immediately jump onto a warm-blooded mammal who happens to walk through. Since it is solely food-focused in reality, it would certainly have food on the brain when it visits a coffee shop. It would be sure to try every food item at least once, and go back to their favorites when there isn’t anything new. Any type of pastry, breakfast sandwich, quiche, or cookie would be thoroughly tasted and reviewed by the tick, who would also be happy to give their recommendations to the next unsuspecting person in line. To balance their insatiable appetite for these locally sourced treats, ticks would get some kind of plain drink. A black coffee or plain tea would be the perfect palate cleanser for this eager diner who claims that they skipped breakfast for their favorite place. 

The Solution – Pest Control

This one isn’t an imaginary customer, but it is a real way to prevent pests from wreaking havoc on your home or business. Our team is dedicated to attacking any pest problem head-on with our eco-friendly treatments and services. It’s fun to imagine pests being regular people in a coffee shop, but the reality of coffee shop pests is much more startling than these scenarios.